Saturday, May 7, 2011
what it all boils down to
you know what it is that i'm really missing, is having a real conversation. i miss having real conversations with you. i miss hearing your opinion and being challenged by you and in turn challenging you to think just a little bit harder. i miss you so much. even when i'm doing exactly what i want to with my friends, having meaningless fun, i wish that i could talk to you, or see you, and just be able to. but, you need your space, and to not worry about me. you need to see that i'm different, that i can ask nothing of you, except to take care of you. and if that means calling someone else every time i think of you, if that means swallowing my pride and forcing myself to not care whenever stalkbook decides to grace me with its many talents. if it means missing having you in my life for a while, and never having you in my life the way i had once hoped. then, okay. i can do that. it'll suck, a lot. but i can do it. i just miss you. and i'm pretty sure you don't miss me, but if there's some way for you to just know that i care about you, and only want for you to be happy, with or without me in the loop, please just know it. it sucks to see a light in someone else's eyes that you've only seen in yours, and then not be able to see it again. it sucks, but ya know, i am just a speck of sand on a beach. my life doesn't affect pretty much anyone else's outside of my family. there are thousands of bigger problems in the world than me missing someone who doesn't feel the same. which is why you'll never hear a word of it from me. even if we do talk again and are friends and hang out over the summer and may keep in touch and so on, you will never hear of how i've been feeling. without talking to you, i don't think i've ever wished for something so hard in my life. for you to just be happy. just please, find your happiness. i haven't met many who deserve it more than you. so please don't take this the wrong way, but i love you. not in the way that everyone jumps to immediately. i love you as i love pb & j, naps on the grass in the sun, dancing like a fool, swimming, giant oak trees, and the sound of a guitar. i love you as someone in the world who can sometimes be overlooked and written off as run-of-the-mill or predictable. but, if you take the time to examine a little more closely, turns out to be nothing but wonderful surprises. raspberry jam instead of grape jelly, a few new cords at a slower pace, looking up and realizing you're not dancing alone. i love you as someone who is exceptional, and unforgettable. no matter how you think of me, if you think of me at all, i will do nothing other than hope that you are happy and loved and know that you are. this is not a good-bye, i'm fairly certain i can't say good-bye to you, but, if it is one to you, know these things, and you'll know how i will react if our paths ever cross again.