Sunday, June 26, 2011

let go

i don't want to be like this anymore. i want to stop wanting. i want to be able to dedicate myself to the world. i want to stop wanting. do you realize how much pain there actually is in wanting? just wanting anything, from a snack to a new job, is a form of self-torture. i want to stop holding onto things that i don't have. i just want to let go, and just, be. i know i already have everything i could ever want, i was born with it all. but i've been told, taught, that wanting is what gets you through the day, it's what makes you successful. why? i want to stop wanting! i know sometimes it seems i am just griping about unimportant things, but it's being aware, and actually wanting to change your lifelong habits, that are the first step. one day, i will be able to let go of all this pain i have given myself unconditionally. that is certainly something i am never lacking in myself. pain. if it is not feeling guilty that i am not doing as well in school as everyone else believes i can, missing my family, wanting to look differently, or putting myself through real physical pain at the gym, hell, i even put myself in painful situations with guys. it almost seems as if i am dependent on this pain. like an drug addict. you know it's bad for you, and that you can stop, and you can tell everyone and yourself that you will stop, and yet you still find yourself on this same circular track day after day. i don't want to feel sorry for myself anymore, and i don't want to keep putting myself through all these comical forms of pain where i am honestly the only one to blame for the ripping of my soul and heart. (dramatic i know, but some days, you just feel all this weight you have put on yourself come down on you at once). i want to be free of all this. of all these things i have forced upon myself. and i have the tools to do so. but i have to be willing to do the work. and, it is WORK. the work itself is painful, because i will be facing all the forms of pain i have hidden away behind my memories and emotions, and will be forced to deal with them. and then, even harder, let them go. i don't want to be loved, i can love myself just as much and more as anyone else can. i don't want to be accepted, who's opinions on me are more important than my own? 

let go

i don't want to be like this anymore. i want to stop wanting. i want to be able to dedicate myself to the world. i want to stop wanting. do you realize how much pain there actually is in wanting? just wanting anything, from a snack to a new job, is a form of self-torture. i want to stop holding onto things that i don't have. i just want to let go, and just, be. i know i already have everything i could ever want, i was born with it all. but i've been told, taught, that wanting is what gets you through the day, it's what makes you successful. why? i want to stop wanting! i know sometimes it seems i am just griping about unimportant things, but it's being aware, and actually wanting to change your lifelong habits, that are the first step. one day, i will be able to let go of all this pain i have given myself unconditionally. that is certainly something i am never lacking in myself. pain. if it is not feeling guilty that i am not doing as well in school as everyone else believes i can, missing my family, wanting to look differently, or putting myself through real physical pain at the gym, hell, i even put myself in painful situations with guys. it almost seems as if i am dependent on this pain. like an drug addict. you know it's bad for you, and that you can stop, and you can tell everyone and yourself that you will stop, and yet you still find yourself on this same circular track day after day. i don't want to feel sorry for myself anymore, and i don't want to keep putting myself through all these comical forms of pain where i am honestly the only one to blame for the ripping of my soul and heart. (dramatic i know, but some days, you just feel all this weight you have put on yourself come down on you at once). i want to be free of all this. of all these things i have forced upon myself. and i have the tools to do so. but i have to be willing to do the work. and, it is WORK. the work itself is painful, because i will be facing all the forms of pain i have hidden away behind my memories and emotions, and will be forced to deal with them. and then, even harder, let them go. i don't want to be loved, i can love myself just as much and more as anyone else can. i don't want to be accepted, who's opinions on me are more important than my own? 

Saturday, June 25, 2011

bliss

there is this thing called bliss. many of us have experienced it in fleeting moments. but very few of the human population have been able to find a way to hold onto this feeling. a feeling of seemingly never-ending happiness, where you have not a care in the world, and it seems that all the pieces of your life fit together perfectly. but bliss is a bastard of many tricks. you are under the impression that it will never leave your side, that you will be feeling this elation for the rest of your life. and just like that, it's gone. either what made you happy in the first place has ceased to be in your presence, or you have merely been accustomed to it being there. it fades. just like how good that candy bar tasted, how nice it felt to sit in the sun, how special that kiss was, or how cool the new phone was. you get used to it, and cease to value it so highly. that is, until you find another mortal reason for extreme happiness, until that fades as well. and we find ourselves in this never-ending cycle of searching for this thing called happiness, or bliss. when, the truth is. it never left you, it never faded, you just keep ignoring it. those moments of shortlived exuberance ore moments when you have opened yourself, your heart, to the true joys of the universe. you have opened yourself to love. but the expiring kinds. the kinds that everyone relies upon and think that make up a happy life. not true. that fading, the end of the "honeymoon stage", is you closing yourself off to the world again. we just tend to do it. but all the happiness, all of the love you could ever want, and more, is already within you. everything you could ever need, is already in the package of you. you are love, you are satisfaction, you are fun, you are bliss. it's all there within you, as you. you just have to open yourself to it. and it takes work. a lot of it. which is why not every single person is walking around in a state of eternal bliss. but, once you get closer to it, you can already tell, you're happier, and even, if you make the entire journey, do all the work. you are opened to a whole new world of possibilities. LOVE. 


i am nowhere near that, but just through a little work, i am much more aware than i was two years ago, and i want to do more work. 


today i was meditating at the end of savasana (yoga final relaxation) and was really struggling just letting go of my thoughts and wants. it was a rough day of just 15 minutes of just being. little did i know, the instructor (who is a guru, and has been around the world teaching yoga for decades) decided to sit near my sister and myself and meditate. and i felt it. my struggling consciousness went from this muddled dark reddish jumble to all of a sudden, this huge, strong, bright green wave of just, beauty. and love. my stomach dropped, my toes started tingling, and i was filled with this warmth and awe. i didn't want it to go away. but, as you learn, once you start to try to hold onto something, the sooner it flees. i am taking this experience as a push to meditate more, i want to try for another half hour tonight, and maybe another half hour tomorrow, and move up to an hour soon. 




everytime i meditate, i start off with this dream (i don't think it's a vision) where i am under moonlight and just feel this awe... 
"happiness is like sitting on a mountain of gold, and having no idea it's even there"

Friday, June 24, 2011

admittance

i know i will never hear from him again. i don't think i was delusional about anything that happened, because for the vast majority of our friendship or whatever you want to call it, we were constantly making sure we were on the same page. i didn't want to admit it for the past, well, month, because i was hoping in vain that one day i would be able to hear his reasoning. that maybe he was the person he said he was (or is). and that maybe, just maybe, i would understand. but, to no avail. again, i'll never apologize for caring about someone or actually being there for them. oh well, as my best friend said "there are plenty of fish in the sea. just stop catching the diseased ones. you need a fucking swordfish". 

Monday, June 20, 2011

"balance is not letting anyone love you less than you love yourself"

Sunday, June 19, 2011



Dear Dad

Dear Dad, 


Well, today is Father's Day. So it's your day, as you have been a father for the past 21 years. And I cannot really think of too many ways to say that I love you. So very much. You not only have been a caring father to me, who has always been there to kiss my scraped up knees and run around with me all day everyday. But you have somehow managed to work 15 hour days, stay in admirable physical condition so that you are beating 20 year-olds in bike races, be a good and loving husband, and on top of all this, be around more than most any other fathers I have ever even heard of for Riley and I. I can't think of any important day or occasion that you were not present at. Nor many swim meets, soccer tournaments, piano recitals, dance recitals, tennis matches, or even plays that you were not right there in the crowd, beaming at your daughters. Again, you were not only present for the entire lives of your family members, but you  worked hard every single day so that we had a real relationship with you, so much that I still enjoy camping with you every single year, and love hanging out with you. I always joke that our family is split into two teams. Mom and Riley are very much alike, while you and I are very similar in personality and interests. To this day I love discussing anything and everything with you, we can have fun anywhere, and anytime. We can communicate without uttering a word, and we understand the mindset of the other. I love you so much Dad. There is not a soul in your life who would dare say that you are not and Amazing Man. 


Love, 
TuffStuff 

Friday, June 17, 2011

Wednesday, June 15, 2011

i will never apoligize

today,  i had a run-in with an ex. but, not just any ex, with the only person i have ever loved so far in my short life. we haven't spoken in almost a year, and broke up 2 ago. i saw him at the gym my family has belonged to since we have lived in the bubble, the gym that he recently joined. we did the whole polite-catch-up-but-not-really-truly-caring bit. but then the conversation took a turn for seriousness. the last time we had contact, i wasn't in the best mindset and actually had the nerve to ask him if he had ever really loved me, because at the time i honestly didn't believe it anymore. he had never responded. well he decided now was the right time to put the matter to rest... 


in his words, he did care for me deeply, more than he thought he could. he did love me, again, more than he expected to. and at first, he was elated with this feeling (the first half of the relationship that was filled with surprises from him including surprise dates, driving to my school to bring me lunch unexpectedly, and many candlelit dinners.. keep in mind, this is highschool). but then he got scared. he got scared of how he felt, and how i felt. apparently, i scared him. he was used to being the one who did all the work in the relationship, spoiling the girl, and just getting a 'thanks' in return. but i didn't follow such a script. i cared for him just the same, and showed it daily with surprises of my own (the biggest was spending 3 hours in the middle of the night drawing a mural in sidewalk chalk outside his house as a form of apology, it was romantic at the time haha). and it scared him that i was willing to give it my all as well. 
"what you don't realize syd, is you scare people. you scare them that you are caring and pay attention and are willing to fight for it, and that you have the balls to just go for it. it's extremely rare, and wonderful, but fucking scary". that comment made me lose it to the point that i called him a coward. not the best move. he cried, i cried. we won't be friends, the conversation accomplished nothing but open up old wounds for me, and make me even more frustrated that so many people are so afraid of themselves. so afraid of taking that chance, so afraid of how you can feel. so, afraid. hell, afraid of someone who actually shows they care. 


i will never apologize for wanting to take the chance, for wanting people to know day in and day out that i love them. i tell my dearest guy friend that i love him nearly every day. i know i will almost never stop being punished for "caring" or being "brave". but then, just take the time to get to know yourself my friend, learn to live with yourself, love. love yourself. take a chance and love someone. it's only as scary as you make it out to be. know what you're capable of, and move on. a life full of fear and fake chances taken, is not a life at all, because millions have already lived that. 

remember

you tend to forget some things. you forget how much you missed home, you forget how much fun you have with your family, you forget how much you enjoy even seemingly simplistic activities. i forgot how much Steve Ross' book 'Happy Yoga' has helped me. seriously, buy and read this book. nearly anything that you are confused about, you can solve readily with the help of this wonderful piece of wisdom. 

Saturday, June 11, 2011

yes, i actually have a fairytale

i take pride in knowing i'm different, that i am willing to hold guys up to some more reasonable standards, and that i am certainly looking for friendship before anything else. however, i am guilty of having a hope, a daydream. most people dream of the kiss in the rain or the date on the beach. i, however, have something very different in mind. 

i want to be found. 

if there were ever to be a day when someone who i thought was long gone showed up on my doorstep, or just in the middle of my day, completely unannounced and came to get me, i would be theirs, no questions asked. there have been so many times that i have been guilty of running away, of shutting myself off from the people and boys that care about me, practically making them think that i myself do not care, and begin the downward spiral. if there were ever to be someone who cared enough to fight for me, to not listen to me, to know what i really needed, and fought for me, rather than me fighting just for them day in and day out. that is my Disney movie. show up, smile, and just take me in your arms and keep me. i have fought for many people in the past (and very recently), and sometimes i wonder if someone, anyone, would ever have the courage, the balls, to be wiling to fight for me. 

i know very few pay any attention to what is said here, but hey, like i said, this is a message in a bottle.

family

what does family mean to you?

are they the people you constantly fight with.
are they the people who you can't stand. 
are they the people that make rules you don't understand. 
are they the people you hope you'll never end up like. 

or...

are they the people who know you better than anyone else in the world.
are they the people who taught you nearly everything you know.
are they the people who are there for you no matter what. 
are they the people who will pick you up every time you fall down. 
are they the people who, you know without, you would be nothing. 


you see, no matter how many friends i lose, no matter how many people hurt me, no matter how many times i trip myself up and find myself face down on the sidewalk. they're always there. whether i want them to be or not. they will never leave me. no one knows me as well as they do, and no one goes the extra mile nearly as much as they do. 

my sister is the only person i can completely be myself with, no matter the circumstances. we have hated eachother throughout the years, we have fought, screamed, teased, and ignored one another as we tried to figure out who the heck we were. but you really do start to appreciate one another as time goes by. my sister is one of the biggest role models in my life, and a very important symbol of comfort and of home. we know the good and bad parts about eachother, and we know how to handle all pieces of one another's personality. Riles, i will gladly be Crazy Aunt Sydney for your kids one day. 

Thursday, June 9, 2011

Wednesday, June 8, 2011


I'm coming home, i've been as patient and understand as i can possibly muster, but now i've hit my limit. i'm coming home, and i don't need to feel this way due to anyone. you're just a little dense. 
you can talk about treating people right all you want, but maybe you should take your own advice. i looked at you as a friend, i trusted you and confided in you daily, shit, i spent an entire weekend with you on nothing but my instincts. and it has literally been killing me this whole not talking thing. but why haven't you tried to talk to me? was i not a friend in your eyes? or do you just let friends go that easily... here's some advice, don't tell others to think about treating someone right, until you can do the same. 

Monday, June 6, 2011

take a breather

i am going to be on my way home in 2 days, 6 hours, and 43 minutes. in exactly 2 days, i am going to be done with my first year of college, packing, and getting ready for the most unforgettable summer. what is waiting for me at home? so much. my family, whom i've missed dearly. my dogs, that are more like my godparents than anything else, summer school. a job, and an apartment where i will be living with my wonderful sister all of 4 blocks from the beach. the makings of a great 3 months. two of my best friends are already there too. i cannot wait to get home, have a room, lay out in the sun, run, swim, hike, bike, canoe, and rope swing at my childhood home before it is time to take a new city by storm where ri and i will be living raw and yogi. out own little hideaway for the summer. you really can't appreciate yoga, and the entire yogic way of life, until you personally have experienced more than once aspect of it yourself. i used to scoff at yoga myself a few years ago, until i started doing yoga, then became vegetarian, and then vegan, then got into meditation. you start to love so much. not just love yoga, but you love yourself. i have honestly never thought it possible to be so at peace and so confident in myself. just a couple years ago, i was the girl who could not take a compliment without becoming outrageously bashful and tell the doer that they were mistaken about me. i would only measure my social triumphs by who i was dating and by how quickly i could find another boy. i let others define who i was. i'm not saying i don't do this at times still. but it truly is a fraction of what it used to be. i know who i am, i know what i want to do, i know what i want. and, no matter how foolish they may seem, i'm going to go for them. i a going to take the chances that are presented to me, because i don't want to see them in someone else's hands. this is my life. this is my story. one that i love and cherish and you are more than welcome to disagree. but, if you don't like your own story, then who will ever listen? 

Sunday, June 5, 2011

look. you either take chances, or you leave everything for someone else to have. 

Saturday, June 4, 2011

eugene bucket list


if you ever find yourself in eugene, oregon, you must. YOU MUST hike Spencer's Butte and then go to Off The Waffle. Best day in a long time.

Friday, June 3, 2011

i can't argue, it's quite refreshing

there are just some things that we tend to forget how nice they actually are, how nice they can be. we take warm sunny days for granted, we don't realize how lucky we are to have food in our bellies, and a warm bed to sleep in. and yeah, sometimes we forget how nice it is to have some company every once in while. i don't mean friend-company. i mean the company of someone else. someone you can just enjoy with. i've never successfully had such a thing happen to me. but i think i finally might be. we like one another, we enjoy each other's company a lot, but we don't want a relationship. mostly because the only person that i would even consider a relationship with is a thousand miles away, so that won't work either. no one wants the label of a "relationship", so we just, enjoy. and it's rather nice. don't feel like you have to talk every day all day. you can go for a week without speaking and just pick up the phone and call them up, catch up, and hang out. it's quite lovely i'm not gonna lie. because i'm free to go meet new people and hang out with whoever i want whenever i want, but then i can go be with someone i trust and have fun with, no awkwardness, no drama. just, nice. college is a great thing :) 

Wednesday, June 1, 2011

i want to say i can't, when i know i'm going to

does a mental break down the night before my psychology final count as extra credit?