today, i had a run-in with an ex. but, not just any ex, with the only person i have ever loved so far in my short life. we haven't spoken in almost a year, and broke up 2 ago. i saw him at the gym my family has belonged to since we have lived in the bubble, the gym that he recently joined. we did the whole polite-catch-up-but-not-really-truly-caring bit. but then the conversation took a turn for seriousness. the last time we had contact, i wasn't in the best mindset and actually had the nerve to ask him if he had ever really loved me, because at the time i honestly didn't believe it anymore. he had never responded. well he decided now was the right time to put the matter to rest...
in his words, he did care for me deeply, more than he thought he could. he did love me, again, more than he expected to. and at first, he was elated with this feeling (the first half of the relationship that was filled with surprises from him including surprise dates, driving to my school to bring me lunch unexpectedly, and many candlelit dinners.. keep in mind, this is highschool). but then he got scared. he got scared of how he felt, and how i felt. apparently, i scared him. he was used to being the one who did all the work in the relationship, spoiling the girl, and just getting a 'thanks' in return. but i didn't follow such a script. i cared for him just the same, and showed it daily with surprises of my own (the biggest was spending 3 hours in the middle of the night drawing a mural in sidewalk chalk outside his house as a form of apology, it was romantic at the time haha). and it scared him that i was willing to give it my all as well.
"what you don't realize syd, is you scare people. you scare them that you are caring and pay attention and are willing to fight for it, and that you have the balls to just go for it. it's extremely rare, and wonderful, but fucking scary". that comment made me lose it to the point that i called him a coward. not the best move. he cried, i cried. we won't be friends, the conversation accomplished nothing but open up old wounds for me, and make me even more frustrated that so many people are so afraid of themselves. so afraid of taking that chance, so afraid of how you can feel. so, afraid. hell, afraid of someone who actually shows they care.
i will never apologize for wanting to take the chance, for wanting people to know day in and day out that i love them. i tell my dearest guy friend that i love him nearly every day. i know i will almost never stop being punished for "caring" or being "brave". but then, just take the time to get to know yourself my friend, learn to live with yourself, love. love yourself. take a chance and love someone. it's only as scary as you make it out to be. know what you're capable of, and move on. a life full of fear and fake chances taken, is not a life at all, because millions have already lived that.
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