Sunday, June 26, 2011
i don't want to be like this anymore. i want to stop wanting. i want to be able to dedicate myself to the world. i want to stop wanting. do you realize how much pain there actually is in wanting? just wanting anything, from a snack to a new job, is a form of self-torture. i want to stop holding onto things that i don't have. i just want to let go, and just, be. i know i already have everything i could ever want, i was born with it all. but i've been told, taught, that wanting is what gets you through the day, it's what makes you successful. why? i want to stop wanting! i know sometimes it seems i am just griping about unimportant things, but it's being aware, and actually wanting to change your lifelong habits, that are the first step. one day, i will be able to let go of all this pain i have given myself unconditionally. that is certainly something i am never lacking in myself. pain. if it is not feeling guilty that i am not doing as well in school as everyone else believes i can, missing my family, wanting to look differently, or putting myself through real physical pain at the gym, hell, i even put myself in painful situations with guys. it almost seems as if i am dependent on this pain. like an drug addict. you know it's bad for you, and that you can stop, and you can tell everyone and yourself that you will stop, and yet you still find yourself on this same circular track day after day. i don't want to feel sorry for myself anymore, and i don't want to keep putting myself through all these comical forms of pain where i am honestly the only one to blame for the ripping of my soul and heart. (dramatic i know, but some days, you just feel all this weight you have put on yourself come down on you at once). i want to be free of all this. of all these things i have forced upon myself. and i have the tools to do so. but i have to be willing to do the work. and, it is WORK. the work itself is painful, because i will be facing all the forms of pain i have hidden away behind my memories and emotions, and will be forced to deal with them. and then, even harder, let them go. i don't want to be loved, i can love myself just as much and more as anyone else can. i don't want to be accepted, who's opinions on me are more important than my own?