let me break on down, but i can't stop now..

dumbest move of my the year: kissing grant. we hung out for a month winter term, he got scared and split. last night was the first time we've hung out since then, and i kissed him. dumb. dumb. i don't have any feelings for him whatsoever anymore, and when i got home i was honestly just sad. sad that i did that when i knew fully well all the things that i do. i'm a dumb dumb. especially since all it did was make me miss that other kid more. 


i'm compartmentalizing. everything that doesn't make sense at the present moment (whether or not i want to drop, why i kissed grant, how i feel about the other kid) all are being put on hold. shoving a nice lil pin in them all. i have finals to worry about. i can't sit here and analyze and feel bad and wish that someone would call me or hope that someone else will never talk to me again. finals. finals. finals.  getting done with finals over with= going home. home. home. 


little tidbit for the day: you can either be the best, or worst roommate you've ever had. choose wisely. learn to live with yourself, and others will gravitate towards you. 

just close your eyes, and remember. there is as much love in the world as you put into it.

today is here

you can put things off. you can say "oh, i'll start that tomorrow. today is my last day to do it this way". but, tomorrow is always going to be just that. tomorrow. today is here. today is where you get things done and change the way you live and make yourself happy. today is when you can tell someone you love them. today is when you can drag yourself to the gym. today is when you choose chicken instead of a burger. today is when you study for that test. today is here. you can do no better than use today.


today:
i love you mom
i love you dad
i love you riley
i love you robert
i love you grandma
i love you grandpa
i love you ivy
i love you emma
i love you ruby
i love you potter
i love you caitlyn 
i love you rachael
i love you zak
i love you jen
i love you kristin
i love you tre
i love you zach
i love you.


i love naps in the sun
i love pb and j
i love dancing
i love running
i love hiking
i love swimming
i love reading
i love nature
i love animals
i love my internship
i love my school
i love yoga
i love adventures
i love music
i love sunrises
i love. 


i love my body. it is strong and resilient. 
i love my hair
i love my eyes
i love my nose
i love my smile
i love my concaved chest
i love my strong arms
i love my super small hands
i love my lucky pinky
i love my butt
i love my flat feet
i love my intellect
i love my sense of humor
i love my ability to understand people and concepts
i love my sense of adventure
i love that i am tough
i love that i want to be an athlete
i love my imagination
i love me. 

what is it that you love, and what can you do for it today?

i'd rather stay awake than sleep and have those dreams again, and wake up in even more pain than before

"Can miles truly separate you from friends..If you want to be with someone you love, aren't you already there?" - Richard Bach

yeah they're not good or anything from day one

frick

i usually try to be an optimist, and not feel sorry for myself too often, because it's just wasted energy when i could be doing more useful things. but there's something that happens whenever i get sick. i don't necessarily feel sorry for myself, but i get very lonely. to the point where i'm laying in bed, curled up in a little cocoon, and wishing, just wishing that someone i love and miss were there to just hug me. and now i'm sick, again. i've noticed that i always get sick after midterms now. and as i was swimming in the kiddie pool of self-pity, i started to miss my mom and my dad and my sister. wishing i were home with all my heart. i didn't want to be in school anymore, i just wanted to be home, i was ready to go home and start the summer with my sister. then of course i started to miss someone else. yeah... cool. to the point where i had to start texting one of my exes whom i've recently reconnected with just to keep myself from calling that one person and crying out "i miss you, too much.. please tell me you miss me too, i miss you.." yeah, give me a fever and some serious fatigue, and i can become pretty pathetic. just this needy, tired, whiny little pile of wanting to be loved. i got kind of frustrated with myself. this was all my idea! it was my decision to not talk for a little while, to let us both get some clarity, i asked for this. so dumb. just give me a fever, and you'll see where my heart truly lies.

on a more positive note, the days are gradually getting nicer and nicer, and after this weekend, just 2 more until it's time for finals and time to go home :)

it's all for you.

i just want to tell you that i love you. 

passion

have you ever found a class, a world issue, or a place that has just given you goosebumps, and brought tears to your eyes? have you ever found something that makes you so excited about it, it is what you dream about at night, and what your mind wanders to during the day? have you ever found something that has made you feel to the very core of your being that that is what you have to do? that you were born to do? 


so far in my life, only three things have ever given me the "heeby-jeebies", and made me tear up. one of those things is environmental studies/field work, i could talk about the environment for hours, and everytime i get the opportunity to do field work such as ivy pulls, population counts, or even take kids on a hike to show them the outdoors, i'm as giddy as a school girl who got asked to prom. the second is Africa. ever since my school showed a video on Invisible Children (amazing cause), i have not only been involved in the organization, but i have known in my very soul that i have to go to Africa. my heart is there. it is a place of so much potential. just somewhere that calls out to me, and i know i have to go. not for a safari, but to learn, to respect, and to just, learn. my heart sings at the mention of it. i hope to study abroad in Madagascar in a couple years, one step closer to Kenya. 

the third i recently discovered. triathlons. i've always admired triathletes, seeing the Ironman as the ultimate test of athleticism and true determination. and i've now spent the past 3 days researching training schedules, nutrition, and race opportunities. i watch videos of triathletes grimacing through cramps, pushing themselves past all limits, and crawling across finish lines thinking, "that is the most amazing thing i have ever seen. i want that". i want to see my limits, and  shrug them off as if they don't exist. i don't want this to be just "an idea". i really want this. you can only compete against yourself in the gym for so long. i've never been the most competitive, always going for the individual sports, but my cardio is getting out of control. running 12-20 miles multiple times a week, plus core work and lifting weights. i need a goal, i need to challenge and push myself. i need to prove this to myself. so starting next week, my training for a triathlon at the end of the summer. but, taking heed to my father's advice (a former triathlete himself) i should train over the summer, then have my own mini triathlon consisting of all the components of a race, just on my own. to see how i feel doing all three events in single day, and see if it is something i can really commit to. signing up and paying to race, that is. i don't think it should be taken lightly when you watch a video, and you literally get tears in your eyes, because it just pulls on your heartstrings, you want that feeling of challenge, of push, and of accomplishment just from finishing. that is definitely one thing about this sport. there is just as much glory in finishing as there is in being on the podium. because it is all for you. 

just one more month til we're reunited for a summer we won't forget

commitment

i never really saw myself as a quitter, but maybe i should be called one. or a dabbler at least. and i really don't like dabblers, they can't seem to commit to anything. but this past year has been a rollercoaster to say the least. and i feel like my life would be so much more manageable, or i would just be happier, if i were to, well, quit. when i first came to school, my mom and sister pretty much forced me to go through recruitment, even just to meet people if i decided i didn't want to join a sorority. well, it was exhausting, but a house caught my eye, and it seemed like the majority of the girls already in the house were like me a little bit. there were athletes, nerds, goofs, party girls, intellects, a truly diverse house. and there was also an old teammate and childhood friend in the house, so i was kind of enchanted about the possibility. i thought i saw a house of different people who seemed so closely knit. i actually thought i met a group of girls that i would get along with. me, get along with girls. don't get me wrong, i am a girl, and there are girls i like. but i really do get along with guys better. they are more fun, more honest, and just goofy. i've had guys as my best friends since i was 3, and that hasn't changed too much since. granted i've gone through quite a number of "best friends" due to them wanting more than friendship, but i still like hanging out with guys more. 
so i joined the house of girls who i thought were a great fit for me. and after first term and some dorm blues, i decided to move into the house a year early (live-in for the winter and spring terms). and oh dear did i get a wake-up call. first of all, since i was at the bottom of the barrel when it came to i guess you could call it 'seniority', i got the most common setup in the house. no room. my clothes were in my big sister's room (just a dresser), my desk in a study hall also occupied by 20 other desks, and my bed in a room called a sleeping porch (think a big room, 24-hour dark, 24-hour quiet, with 10 bunk-beds, there ya go). now, i'm sort of a more quiet, private person, who really enjoys her personal space, an introvert. back at home when i got back from school, i would need to spend an hour alone in my room to just decompress, i really do enjoy being alone. so, i move in. zero privacy. zero space i could call my own. quick decline in stress management. winter term was a dark time for me. being a sun baby, in my first winter, vitamin D deficiency, and lack of personal space that i pretty much needed, and a full load with classes led to multiple breakdowns and a slowly growing resentment towards the house. i had no place i could so much as have a conversation with my family without having 10 people behind me not only hearing my end of the conversation, but being bewildered when i had a crying fit. tough times. 
this term, i got used to not having space, or rather, i just find any excuse to not be in the house, with the comfort that soon i'll be back down south and out of a house of 60 girls who don't really know me. but this past month, my resentment of the house has really hit its breaking point. i don't care about any of the decisions made, i don't try to hang out with anyone in the house besides my two future roommates for next year, and i swear if one more person asks me why i eat the way i do (granola in the morning, turkey and apple in the afternoon, vegetables at night) i might scream. i have gotten the reputation as the girl who skypes all the time. well, ever thought why i skype so much? because i don't feel welcome in the house i'm in, i'd rather talk to someone else, because i don't feel judged every time i open my mouth. i don't like girls haha. i just got such a wake-up call when i found out how clique-y the house is, how exclusive each class is, and just how much like a high school locker room it all is. i do owe meeting two of my closest friends to the house, as well as meeting a handful of fun guys, but i wonder if maybe i have gotten all i can from the house, and maybe it's time for me to move on. i don't mean disrespect to any of the amazing women i have met, but i am just not the kind of girl who likes to have sorority life be My Life. i just don't feel like i fit in even the most diverse house... guess i'm just odd. 

MOM

we all know today is mother's day. and most of us have sent flowers or cards or called the women who have been there for us from the very beginning. but this day always reminds me of just how much i love my mom, and how much i really am like her. i love my mom so much. she is a smart, patient, caring, fun, and creative woman. she is always there for me to confide in, and seek counsel from. she remains patient with me no matter how many times i snuck out, dated the dumb boy, didn't study for that test, and forgot to put away my laundry. she will listen to me whine, cry, shout, or just sit in silence as i try to piece together my life. she has raised 3 young women, 2 of which i can testify are incredible. i look up to them everyday. my mom is an irreplaceable part of our family. i would be nothing and no one without you, mom. thank you for holding me when i feel alone, picking me up when i fall down, gathering up the pieces, and helping me glue them back together again, even if it's just for a little while. you made my childhood picturesque, and i only have fond memories of all the work you put into giving me and Riley the best times of our lives year after year. i love you endlessly. see you in a month :) 

what it all boils down to

you know what it is that i'm really missing, is having a real conversation. i miss having real conversations with you. i miss hearing your opinion and being challenged by you and in turn challenging you to think just a little bit harder. i miss you so much. even when i'm doing exactly what i want to with my friends, having meaningless fun, i wish that i could talk to you, or see you, and just be able to. but, you need your space, and to not worry about me. you need to see that i'm different, that i can ask nothing of you, except to take care of you. and if that means calling someone else every time i think of you, if that means swallowing my pride and forcing myself to not care whenever stalkbook decides to grace me with its many talents. if it means missing having you in my life for a while, and never having you in my life the way i had once hoped.  then, okay. i can do that. it'll suck, a lot. but i can do it. i just miss you. and i'm pretty sure you don't miss me, but if there's some way for you to just know that i care about you, and only want for you to be happy, with or without me in the loop, please just know it. it sucks to see a light in someone else's eyes that you've only seen in yours, and then not be able to see it again. it sucks, but ya know, i am just a speck of sand on a beach. my life doesn't affect pretty much anyone else's outside of my family. there are thousands of bigger problems in the world than me missing someone who doesn't feel the same. which is why you'll never hear a word of it from me. even if we do talk again and are friends and hang out over the summer and may keep in touch and so on, you will never hear of how i've been feeling. without talking to you, i don't think i've ever wished for something so hard in my life. for you to just be happy. just please, find your happiness. i haven't met many who deserve it more than you. so please don't take this the wrong way, but i love you. not in the way that everyone jumps to immediately. i love you as i love pb & j, naps on the grass in the sun, dancing like a fool, swimming, giant oak trees, and the sound of a guitar. i love you as someone in the world who can sometimes be overlooked and written off as run-of-the-mill or predictable. but, if you take the time to examine a little more closely, turns out to be nothing but wonderful surprises. raspberry jam instead of grape jelly, a few new cords at a slower pace, looking up and realizing you're not dancing alone. i love you as someone who is exceptional, and unforgettable. no matter how you think of me, if you think of me at all, i will do nothing other than hope that you are happy and loved and know that you are. this is not a good-bye, i'm fairly certain i can't say good-bye to you, but, if it is one to you, know these things, and you'll know how i will react if our paths ever cross again. 

your friends really are your family

you know those nights when you and your friends have the best time in a long time? where everything is just smiles, laughs, squeals, and dancing like fools? well cinco de mayo 2011 is going down in history as one of the best nights of the year. lots of margaritas, mustaches, pinatas, dancing, and sprinting through campus with the biggest grins on our faces. those kind of nights are the ones that make you so thankful for the friends you've made and where you are in life when you can just throw caution to the wind for a night and only focus on the smile that has accompanied your face. raquel, javier, selena, and pedro, i'll be seeing you guys next year ;) 

wait, what day is it again?

even though the majority of the population has no idea what this day actually means, happy cinco de mayo everyone! 














and yet, all that's on my mind is that i miss you. hope you have a great night :) 

it's that time of year again

the street fair is one of those things that you just look forward to so much. the bustle on 13th, the local products, and the awesome food. gotta love spring :) 

this is all i want. right. now.

ohh oregon

it's official, Oregon really does have the absolute best springs. granted there are still those days of rain that just makes your day so inconvenient, but honestly, nothing gets better than 70 degrees and sunny, with a light cool breeze. if i could live in that kind of climate all year round, i would without a second thought. just give me a blanket and a good book, and i am in my own little paradise. i will never take the sun for granted ever again. who would have thought that kids from SoCal would be tanning in 70 degree weather? back home, we would have been putting on sweatshirts, muttering that was too cold. it's days like these that just remind me why i love it here so much. wildflowers blooming everywhere, huge, green trees, songbirds on nearly every branch, and you are bound to hear someone playing guitar in the background. up here, once the sun comes out, everyone is in just such a good mood. grateful for evidence that solar heat does exist. 

YUM

i am absolutely head over heels for Sweet Life pumpkin cookies, i feel like i should try something else sometime soon... but this combo of pumpkin spices and brown sugar frosting is just too good.

there's no way around it

so, we're not talking for now. it was my idea. because for the past few weeks i haven't been talking to you, i've been trying to, with little success. and i'm sorry, but, i can't take care of anyone anymore. not like i used to. if you've got something you need to figure it out, then go figure it out. i cannot be your coach or your therapist. i can be your friend, i can be your confidant. i can be the person you want to talk to. but i can't be your savior. can't happen. i hope you'll want to talk again. i hope that maybe you'll remember that i'm here as a friend first. and that's all that i was asking of you..

spring is finally here, and so is the countdown to leaving school and arriving back to the place that i left, and spending the summer working (somewhere), going to summer school, and living with my sister. this is the last summer we are ever going to have together, so it needs to be memorable. yoga, beach, and lots of adventures with one of my best friends.