growth

that wonderful moment when you can see someone's name whom you haven't spoken to in a very long time, and it most likely wasn't a good last conversation, and you realize you have absolutely nothing to say to them. you have no desire to win their approval anymore, nor spend your love on those who are just terrible out of touch with themselves. they were great friends, and they still could be. but i would rather lose them, than constantly feel i have to be a certain way for them, that's other than myself. 


kyle
zak
grant
vince


one day, you'll see someone the way i saw you, and then you'll understand that all i ever wanted was to be there for you. 

nightmares

had a terrible, awful nightmare last night. worst one i that has ever made me feel so bad after waking up. i dreamt that my older sister was dating the only guy i have loved, and non one ever said anything about it. they were sleeping in the same bed, and no one said anything about it. she was learning the little things about him that i already knew, and no one ever said a word about it. i woke up practically vomiting and shaking all over. i had never felt physically ill over a bad dream before. nor had a never been able to not go back to sleep. it made me sick. just the thought of it all. just reopened all these old wounds that i had thought, and i guess hoped, were long gone. i had to keep reminding myself of how utterly miserable he had made me. with the drinking and the drugs. and always asking me to drive him to and from parties where i didn't know a soul. leaving me waiting for his call night after night, sometimes not hearing from him for days on end because time would escape him as he was getting high all the time. the whole thing was just such a rollercoaster. whenever he would pay some mind to me, i would be on cloud nine and more in love than i ever thought i was capable of. then when he would get high or drunk with his buddies, i would feel dejected and forgotten. the lows were very low, but the highs were in fact higher than any others i had come across. hence the teenage puppy love. 


i could not sleep after that dream. i was just so physically shooken up about the whole thought process i didn't know what to do. my first instinct was to call him.. and say, something. probably pathetic sounding like, "i think i still love you, can we please at least just be friends? i think about you sometimes and now i had this dream and i just feel reminded of how much i was in love with you". terrible. so glad i did not do that. my second instinct was to text the guy who has recently been in my wandering thoughts. retracted that thought as well. afterall, it was 4:30 in the morning, and i did not need to sound pitiful or needy to someone who i am still trying to play "the game" with. a very tricky game i might add. no, instead i texted my best friend, who i knew would understand, and then my mom, for i know she would understand that dream as well. no way in hell my sister would. she is going to marry her one and only love. she just can't wrap her mind around most the things i go through with guys. 

i don't like nightmares... but i like these pictures :)

when you look at it for what it is..

a car is just a metal box with wheels to get you from place to place


a house is just a box to keep you out of the rain and cold


clothes are just to keep you warm


a body, is just a body. a vessel for who you are. (who are you? not what are you. no titles. who are you)

a body can be tall, short, wide, slight, stocky, spindly. you are not your body. just as i am not my body. you are not fat. and neither am i. oh you are fat? so that's all you are? just a pile of fat? what about your bones, are those fat? what about your hair? is that fat? or your smile or your eyes or your hugs. it is impossible to be fat. unless you are literally a tub of lard sitting in a kitchen at the local greasy spoon. pretty sure you're not, as tubs of lard can't read.. 


a body is just a body, it has almost nothing to do with who You are. except about how you decide to take care of your vessel. some may work very hard to take care of their bodies so that they can seem more attractive. you trying to hide behind your muscles? others, take care of their bodies so that they can live longer, and without pain or disease so that they can pursue the other aspects of life. i agree with the latter. 


if you're healthy, and take care of your vessel, your temple. no matter what that means for YOU personally. people will be attracted to your confidence and your lack of obsessing over every fad diet or that little pooch of a belly that i'm sorry girls, most of us need so we can have the babies. you're a hundred times more beautiful when you know you are, and don't look to others for that feeling. 

thought process

i am a virgin. 
i have had 17 boyfriends, and have kissed (or more) 34 boys. i am 19 years old, and i am a virgin. why? because every time that i have wanted to and gotten close, a little red flag has popped up in my mind, that something was just not right. it didn't feel all that right. i wanted to, but for some reason, i was never fully confident in making that decision. and in a sense, i am very glad i never brushed that red flag aside, because not much long later, i would be shown exactly why i did not feel comfortable. they moved, they only wanted sex, and then went other places for it, were not the people they said they were, or just merely forgot about me. and in that sense i am very grateful. however i must wonder, why is it such a big deal? no i am not one of those sad little girls who thinks that it will be perfect and with mister perfect, heck i don't really even believe in waiting until marriage (only because i was taught that it is a large part of a relationship, and i can't imagine pledging the rest of my life with someone without knowing what that other big chunk is like). 
i think it is more because i have many friends who did not share my beliefs and many a time i held them as they cried, wondering why he didn't love them or why it actually made them feel more empty. and don't get me started on the ones who got a pretty clingy and kinda crazy afterwards. i think, after seeing that, i couldn't stand the thought of me becoming one of them. doing something in hopes that it would convince a guy to want to be with me more than he already does, and that would just complete everything and everyone. and then, lo and behold, the exact opposite happens. i can't bear the thought of me being a crazy clingy girl, especially to a guy who isn't exactly planning on sticking around for a while. if anything, i would want to be in an actual relationship before that even comes up. and even then, i want to know in my heart that neither one of us is going anywhere for a while. basically, i'm just fishing for very rare security. 
as if that isn't hard enough to find in the world, now i'm looking for it in college. 


a common yogic belief is that the more emotionally unattached sex you have, the more free you are. basically seeking instant gratification from sex, rather than food. something i think many women would be willing to get behind. however, now i face this: i've waited this long, now i don't want to give it up on anything less i suppose. now it is something that is actually rare and somewhat special in my age group. considering my dating history especially. 


i know it is borderline inappropriate to discuss this on my blog, but, none of my friends or family know i have this. and facebook is SUCH a no-no.


but i want to. but i don't want to. then i want to. sometimes i just wish i could skip college so that i am no longer under my parent's wing, and just skip some of these milestones so i can free myself from this pointless inner battle. i know that i am as free as i will ever be already. but for some reason, i won't let myself be free on this matter. i won't let myself go. i keep judging myself on things that have happened, and many that haven't even. if there were someone who would not leave me, and would stick around with me for a little while right this moment, this whole argument would be solved by tomorrow. no joke. i'm growing impatient with my own morals. and i am not yet willing to free myself of them. and that is infuriating. 

just in such a loving mood these past few days

i remember those days when he would hold me close and i would feel like the most important person in the world. i loved him with all my heart and soul. 

 let me sleep here :)

 i love boy humor!

keep on movin

just got back to santa monica after a weeklong roadtrip with my best friend. from los angeles to santa cruz. day at the boardwalk, to swanton berry farm for the best pie in the world. then to lafayette to stay with my uncle and cousins. then a day in san francisco. pier 39, golden gate bridge, ghiradelli square, then to the mission for dinner. then the drive all the way home. so much fun hut i was definitely ready to go home. most likely going up to berkeley this week, then back down, then up to san luis obispo for camping with the pops. 

love

ego

there are just so many people out there, who when you look at them, all you see is go. ego, ego, ego. you talk to them, and it's as if there hypnotized. the same questions, the same answers. you must ask, "are you in there?"

endless love

love can be hard to do sometimes
forgiveness can hurt
reaching out may bring tears to your eyes
giving endless chances may feel you empty and used


but i would rather hurt, trying to make right and doing the right thing, rather than leaving so many things unsaid, and the thought of someone painful. 


we must be open to all forms of other people's mistakes
we must be willing to love any and all who have hurt us
you can love, and not be sucked into their negativity
but never leave things on your chest
get it out there
let them know
so you can love them again, even if it is just as someone who doesn't know you, you can still love them


we are not the scars that other people have left upon us
we are not the lack of trust that they instilled
you are not the pain you feel whenever their name comes up
you are not this nagging thought that it was your fault, and that are bad people
you are not these things


we are love
we love
we are the consciousness that is observing all these things, even the things that hurt us
we are boundless love
love the criminal, love the beast, love the lover, the child, the mother, the brother
we have the capability to love all the world, we just have to wake up, and open up


if you give someone a chance without calling it a "chance" and just call it love, you are no longer the victim, you are the lover. 
it only hurts when you expect something in return, because you feel that you are missing something
what if you are already complete?
what if we all just truly believed that we could love endlessly, and never grow tired of it.

LA RISING: Day after

That festival was the best concert i have ever been to in my life. 


1. Immortal Technique
SUCH talent. i love underground rap, and he has such an amazing message 


2. Laryn Hill
her sound was off so she sounded like shit, went and got beer


3. Rise Against
i love them, love them, love them. they are one of those bands that really don't need a recording studio, such great performers, all of us just screaming the lyrics at the top of our lungs and jumping and fist pumping. 


4. Muse
i almost wanted to cry. they are awe-inspiring performers. for an hour and half, just knowing every single song by heart, i love muse. so so much. 


and if all those weren't enough, as if we weren't already in shock and bliss, just blown away, now we had....


5. RAGE AGAINST THE MACHINE
i watched tom morello solo multiple times, and it was awesome. mosh pits, fires, headbanging like there was no tomorrow. 2 hours of Rage. oh, and they lit the torch in the coliseum for them, no big deal.




i love life

facing those inner demons

meditation can bring out some old skeletons that you hoped would stay under the rug, just to avoid this reaction:


shivering, silent tears, chattering teeth.. 


all for facing the belief that i held onto for 2 1/2 long years that it was my fault. in just 10 minutes, i was forced to confront the belief, acknowledge it, and then let it go. 


it wasn't my fault.
it wasn't my fault that he hurt me. 
it wasn't my fault that he took it too far and couldn't control his anger, and then took it out on me. 
it wasn't my fault that all i've ever wanted to do, is love. 


some people want to be loved more than anything, i want nothing more than to love unconditionally. 
it wasn't my fault that they weren't ready to be loved, because they didn't know how to love themselves. 

mantras

i have gone through a number of mantras, one leading to another more meaningful one:


1. i am
2. i am beautiful nothing
3. the beautiful nothing
4. i am my own soulmate
5. i am complete 




i am capable of loving all the world, i just have to be open and let it all in.


(if you expect others to respect your views and beliefs, don't you think you should start by respecting others?) 

you

you drive me crazy

you can act more aloof than me, and that's new

you are beyond attractive

you're romantic, almost to a cheesy point

you are extremely intelligent

godammit i want you

well i'm being honest..

being completely honest right now...


i need to get some ass 


[this] close to making a booty call right now.

LA RISING

MUSE


RISE AGAINST'


RAGE AGAINST THE MACHINE








who the hell wouldn't want to go?!?

this is my prayer

the world is beautiful
there is joy in the world
there is hope
people are loving creatures, we just have to wake up
the beautiful nothingness of your conscious has boundless potential
the world is a beautiful place
i am capable of loving all the world
my body is perfect
the world is so beautiful




goodnight 

raw

eating raw ha been proven again and again to greatly improve health, skin, hair, and body weight. those who eat raw find it nearly impossible to be overweight, because your body is getting all the nutrients it needs, so is full much faster and doesn't let you overeat! you have more energy, better moods, and honestly, i don't crave any cooked foods or breads or dairy anymore. if anything, i just want a smoothie! 

you really haven't changed much at all

i am so tired of being the happy one. i am so tired of fighting and trying to make everything easier for her. i'm done. i do everything for her and get nearly nothing back. not even respect. if she wants to be this unhappy bitch all the time, then hell, i'll let her be one. i'm done. i'm not gonna be her little woman anymore. i won't hang around the apartment anymore, and i won't feed into her negativity anymore. i'm done with this. i'm out. i thought we could do this together, because i thought we wanted the same things. but i guess i'm more committed than she is. you do what you will sweetheart, i'm gonna go save myself. 

the challenge

there's a challenge my psychology professor brought to my attention last year. think of two people that really have made a difference in you life, made an impact on your heart. and think of the qualities that you love about them, and what they actually did for you. now, write it all down. write down and ode to each of those two people who you never really properly thanked. feel pretty good? the the biggest challenge, is to read it to them. in person. you may cry, they might cry. but this simple act of really truly thanking someone, for just being themselves, opens you up so much, and i guarantee it will at least make their week. 

what do you do

what do you do when you want nothing more than for someone you love to be happy, which is why you do everything they want to do, do everything they ask you to do, goof around with them, and are always calm and patient with them. what do you do when you do all these things, and they still aren't happy. what do you do when you don't know what else to do. confront them. 


how long do you watch destructive pattern-based behavior, hoping they figure it out before they crash and burn, before you step in. 


how long do you walk on eggshells, silencing your mind to whatever you actually want to do, before you feel you're not living for yourself. 


how long do you not tell someone that you love them. 


how long do you hug.


how long do you talk. 


how long do you feel sorry for yourself. 


our lives revolve around these mental equations we have constructed for some, and sometimes very small, reasons. why. why do we think that some things can last too long, why do we believe that each person is given a certain amount of time before the timer buzzes. why is it 'how long'


and why isn't it 'how well?' 


love yourself, that is certainly the person you will most definitely have to live with for the rest of your life.
love your body, it really is your temple. would you bring in a bucket of tar and a box of mice into your church? then don't put true shit in your body. 
and for goodness sakes, love everyone else. you want to love and be loved? start it up. 

we do not live in a serious world. if we did, the trees would shush the birds. 

let go

i don't want to be like this anymore. i want to stop wanting. i want to be able to dedicate myself to the world. i want to stop wanting. do you realize how much pain there actually is in wanting? just wanting anything, from a snack to a new job, is a form of self-torture. i want to stop holding onto things that i don't have. i just want to let go, and just, be. i know i already have everything i could ever want, i was born with it all. but i've been told, taught, that wanting is what gets you through the day, it's what makes you successful. why? i want to stop wanting! i know sometimes it seems i am just griping about unimportant things, but it's being aware, and actually wanting to change your lifelong habits, that are the first step. one day, i will be able to let go of all this pain i have given myself unconditionally. that is certainly something i am never lacking in myself. pain. if it is not feeling guilty that i am not doing as well in school as everyone else believes i can, missing my family, wanting to look differently, or putting myself through real physical pain at the gym, hell, i even put myself in painful situations with guys. it almost seems as if i am dependent on this pain. like an drug addict. you know it's bad for you, and that you can stop, and you can tell everyone and yourself that you will stop, and yet you still find yourself on this same circular track day after day. i don't want to feel sorry for myself anymore, and i don't want to keep putting myself through all these comical forms of pain where i am honestly the only one to blame for the ripping of my soul and heart. (dramatic i know, but some days, you just feel all this weight you have put on yourself come down on you at once). i want to be free of all this. of all these things i have forced upon myself. and i have the tools to do so. but i have to be willing to do the work. and, it is WORK. the work itself is painful, because i will be facing all the forms of pain i have hidden away behind my memories and emotions, and will be forced to deal with them. and then, even harder, let them go. i don't want to be loved, i can love myself just as much and more as anyone else can. i don't want to be accepted, who's opinions on me are more important than my own? 

let go

i don't want to be like this anymore. i want to stop wanting. i want to be able to dedicate myself to the world. i want to stop wanting. do you realize how much pain there actually is in wanting? just wanting anything, from a snack to a new job, is a form of self-torture. i want to stop holding onto things that i don't have. i just want to let go, and just, be. i know i already have everything i could ever want, i was born with it all. but i've been told, taught, that wanting is what gets you through the day, it's what makes you successful. why? i want to stop wanting! i know sometimes it seems i am just griping about unimportant things, but it's being aware, and actually wanting to change your lifelong habits, that are the first step. one day, i will be able to let go of all this pain i have given myself unconditionally. that is certainly something i am never lacking in myself. pain. if it is not feeling guilty that i am not doing as well in school as everyone else believes i can, missing my family, wanting to look differently, or putting myself through real physical pain at the gym, hell, i even put myself in painful situations with guys. it almost seems as if i am dependent on this pain. like an drug addict. you know it's bad for you, and that you can stop, and you can tell everyone and yourself that you will stop, and yet you still find yourself on this same circular track day after day. i don't want to feel sorry for myself anymore, and i don't want to keep putting myself through all these comical forms of pain where i am honestly the only one to blame for the ripping of my soul and heart. (dramatic i know, but some days, you just feel all this weight you have put on yourself come down on you at once). i want to be free of all this. of all these things i have forced upon myself. and i have the tools to do so. but i have to be willing to do the work. and, it is WORK. the work itself is painful, because i will be facing all the forms of pain i have hidden away behind my memories and emotions, and will be forced to deal with them. and then, even harder, let them go. i don't want to be loved, i can love myself just as much and more as anyone else can. i don't want to be accepted, who's opinions on me are more important than my own? 

bliss

there is this thing called bliss. many of us have experienced it in fleeting moments. but very few of the human population have been able to find a way to hold onto this feeling. a feeling of seemingly never-ending happiness, where you have not a care in the world, and it seems that all the pieces of your life fit together perfectly. but bliss is a bastard of many tricks. you are under the impression that it will never leave your side, that you will be feeling this elation for the rest of your life. and just like that, it's gone. either what made you happy in the first place has ceased to be in your presence, or you have merely been accustomed to it being there. it fades. just like how good that candy bar tasted, how nice it felt to sit in the sun, how special that kiss was, or how cool the new phone was. you get used to it, and cease to value it so highly. that is, until you find another mortal reason for extreme happiness, until that fades as well. and we find ourselves in this never-ending cycle of searching for this thing called happiness, or bliss. when, the truth is. it never left you, it never faded, you just keep ignoring it. those moments of shortlived exuberance ore moments when you have opened yourself, your heart, to the true joys of the universe. you have opened yourself to love. but the expiring kinds. the kinds that everyone relies upon and think that make up a happy life. not true. that fading, the end of the "honeymoon stage", is you closing yourself off to the world again. we just tend to do it. but all the happiness, all of the love you could ever want, and more, is already within you. everything you could ever need, is already in the package of you. you are love, you are satisfaction, you are fun, you are bliss. it's all there within you, as you. you just have to open yourself to it. and it takes work. a lot of it. which is why not every single person is walking around in a state of eternal bliss. but, once you get closer to it, you can already tell, you're happier, and even, if you make the entire journey, do all the work. you are opened to a whole new world of possibilities. LOVE. 


i am nowhere near that, but just through a little work, i am much more aware than i was two years ago, and i want to do more work. 


today i was meditating at the end of savasana (yoga final relaxation) and was really struggling just letting go of my thoughts and wants. it was a rough day of just 15 minutes of just being. little did i know, the instructor (who is a guru, and has been around the world teaching yoga for decades) decided to sit near my sister and myself and meditate. and i felt it. my struggling consciousness went from this muddled dark reddish jumble to all of a sudden, this huge, strong, bright green wave of just, beauty. and love. my stomach dropped, my toes started tingling, and i was filled with this warmth and awe. i didn't want it to go away. but, as you learn, once you start to try to hold onto something, the sooner it flees. i am taking this experience as a push to meditate more, i want to try for another half hour tonight, and maybe another half hour tomorrow, and move up to an hour soon. 

everytime i meditate, i start off with this dream (i don't think it's a vision) where i am under moonlight and just feel this awe... 

"happiness is like sitting on a mountain of gold, and having no idea it's even there"

admittance

i know i will never hear from him again. i don't think i was delusional about anything that happened, because for the vast majority of our friendship or whatever you want to call it, we were constantly making sure we were on the same page. i didn't want to admit it for the past, well, month, because i was hoping in vain that one day i would be able to hear his reasoning. that maybe he was the person he said he was (or is). and that maybe, just maybe, i would understand. but, to no avail. again, i'll never apologize for caring about someone or actually being there for them. oh well, as my best friend said "there are plenty of fish in the sea. just stop catching the diseased ones. you need a fucking swordfish". 

"balance is not letting anyone love you less than you love yourself"

Dear Dad

Dear Dad, 


Well, today is Father's Day. So it's your day, as you have been a father for the past 21 years. And I cannot really think of too many ways to say that I love you. So very much. You not only have been a caring father to me, who has always been there to kiss my scraped up knees and run around with me all day everyday. But you have somehow managed to work 15 hour days, stay in admirable physical condition so that you are beating 20 year-olds in bike races, be a good and loving husband, and on top of all this, be around more than most any other fathers I have ever even heard of for Riley and I. I can't think of any important day or occasion that you were not present at. Nor many swim meets, soccer tournaments, piano recitals, dance recitals, tennis matches, or even plays that you were not right there in the crowd, beaming at your daughters. Again, you were not only present for the entire lives of your family members, but you  worked hard every single day so that we had a real relationship with you, so much that I still enjoy camping with you every single year, and love hanging out with you. I always joke that our family is split into two teams. Mom and Riley are very much alike, while you and I are very similar in personality and interests. To this day I love discussing anything and everything with you, we can have fun anywhere, and anytime. We can communicate without uttering a word, and we understand the mindset of the other. I love you so much Dad. There is not a soul in your life who would dare say that you are not and Amazing Man. 


Love, 

TuffStuff 

"healing is trusting again"- Ketut Liyer