Friday, September 2, 2011

thought process

i am a virgin. 
i have had 17 boyfriends, and have kissed (or more) 34 boys. i am 19 years old, and i am a virgin. why? because every time that i have wanted to and gotten close, a little red flag has popped up in my mind, that something was just not right. it didn't feel all that right. i wanted to, but for some reason, i was never fully confident in making that decision. and in a sense, i am very glad i never brushed that red flag aside, because not much long later, i would be shown exactly why i did not feel comfortable. they moved, they only wanted sex, and then went other places for it, were not the people they said they were, or just merely forgot about me. and in that sense i am very grateful. however i must wonder, why is it such a big deal? no i am not one of those sad little girls who thinks that it will be perfect and with mister perfect, heck i don't really even believe in waiting until marriage (only because i was taught that it is a large part of a relationship, and i can't imagine pledging the rest of my life with someone without knowing what that other big chunk is like). 
i think it is more because i have many friends who did not share my beliefs and many a time i held them as they cried, wondering why he didn't love them or why it actually made them feel more empty. and don't get me started on the ones who got a pretty clingy and kinda crazy afterwards. i think, after seeing that, i couldn't stand the thought of me becoming one of them. doing something in hopes that it would convince a guy to want to be with me more than he already does, and that would just complete everything and everyone. and then, lo and behold, the exact opposite happens. i can't bear the thought of me being a crazy clingy girl, especially to a guy who isn't exactly planning on sticking around for a while. if anything, i would want to be in an actual relationship before that even comes up. and even then, i want to know in my heart that neither one of us is going anywhere for a while. basically, i'm just fishing for very rare security. 
as if that isn't hard enough to find in the world, now i'm looking for it in college. 

a common yogic belief is that the more emotionally unattached sex you have, the more free you are. basically seeking instant gratification from sex, rather than food. something i think many women would be willing to get behind. however, now i face this: i've waited this long, now i don't want to give it up on anything less i suppose. now it is something that is actually rare and somewhat special in my age group. considering my dating history especially. 

i know it is borderline inappropriate to discuss this on my blog, but, none of my friends or family know i have this. and facebook is SUCH a no-no.

but i want to. but i don't want to. then i want to. sometimes i just wish i could skip college so that i am no longer under my parent's wing, and just skip some of these milestones so i can free myself from this pointless inner battle. i know that i am as free as i will ever be already. but for some reason, i won't let myself be free on this matter. i won't let myself go. i keep judging myself on things that have happened, and many that haven't even. if there were someone who would not leave me, and would stick around with me for a little while right this moment, this whole argument would be solved by tomorrow. no joke. i'm growing impatient with my own morals. and i am not yet willing to free myself of them. and that is infuriating. 

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