Tuesday, September 6, 2011


had a terrible, awful nightmare last night. worst one i that has ever made me feel so bad after waking up. i dreamt that my older sister was dating the only guy i have loved, and non one ever said anything about it. they were sleeping in the same bed, and no one said anything about it. she was learning the little things about him that i already knew, and no one ever said a word about it. i woke up practically vomiting and shaking all over. i had never felt physically ill over a bad dream before. nor had a never been able to not go back to sleep. it made me sick. just the thought of it all. just reopened all these old wounds that i had thought, and i guess hoped, were long gone. i had to keep reminding myself of how utterly miserable he had made me. with the drinking and the drugs. and always asking me to drive him to and from parties where i didn't know a soul. leaving me waiting for his call night after night, sometimes not hearing from him for days on end because time would escape him as he was getting high all the time. the whole thing was just such a rollercoaster. whenever he would pay some mind to me, i would be on cloud nine and more in love than i ever thought i was capable of. then when he would get high or drunk with his buddies, i would feel dejected and forgotten. the lows were very low, but the highs were in fact higher than any others i had come across. hence the teenage puppy love. 

i could not sleep after that dream. i was just so physically shooken up about the whole thought process i didn't know what to do. my first instinct was to call him.. and say, something. probably pathetic sounding like, "i think i still love you, can we please at least just be friends? i think about you sometimes and now i had this dream and i just feel reminded of how much i was in love with you". terrible. so glad i did not do that. my second instinct was to text the guy who has recently been in my wandering thoughts. retracted that thought as well. afterall, it was 4:30 in the morning, and i did not need to sound pitiful or needy to someone who i am still trying to play "the game" with. a very tricky game i might add. no, instead i texted my best friend, who i knew would understand, and then my mom, for i know she would understand that dream as well. no way in hell my sister would. she is going to marry her one and only love. she just can't wrap her mind around most the things i go through with guys. 

i don't like nightmares... but i like these pictures :)

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