Tuesday, May 10, 2011


i never really saw myself as a quitter, but maybe i should be called one. or a dabbler at least. and i really don't like dabblers, they can't seem to commit to anything. but this past year has been a rollercoaster to say the least. and i feel like my life would be so much more manageable, or i would just be happier, if i were to, well, quit. when i first came to school, my mom and sister pretty much forced me to go through recruitment, even just to meet people if i decided i didn't want to join a sorority. well, it was exhausting, but a house caught my eye, and it seemed like the majority of the girls already in the house were like me a little bit. there were athletes, nerds, goofs, party girls, intellects, a truly diverse house. and there was also an old teammate and childhood friend in the house, so i was kind of enchanted about the possibility. i thought i saw a house of different people who seemed so closely knit. i actually thought i met a group of girls that i would get along with. me, get along with girls. don't get me wrong, i am a girl, and there are girls i like. but i really do get along with guys better. they are more fun, more honest, and just goofy. i've had guys as my best friends since i was 3, and that hasn't changed too much since. granted i've gone through quite a number of "best friends" due to them wanting more than friendship, but i still like hanging out with guys more. 
so i joined the house of girls who i thought were a great fit for me. and after first term and some dorm blues, i decided to move into the house a year early (live-in for the winter and spring terms). and oh dear did i get a wake-up call. first of all, since i was at the bottom of the barrel when it came to i guess you could call it 'seniority', i got the most common setup in the house. no room. my clothes were in my big sister's room (just a dresser), my desk in a study hall also occupied by 20 other desks, and my bed in a room called a sleeping porch (think a big room, 24-hour dark, 24-hour quiet, with 10 bunk-beds, there ya go). now, i'm sort of a more quiet, private person, who really enjoys her personal space, an introvert. back at home when i got back from school, i would need to spend an hour alone in my room to just decompress, i really do enjoy being alone. so, i move in. zero privacy. zero space i could call my own. quick decline in stress management. winter term was a dark time for me. being a sun baby, in my first winter, vitamin D deficiency, and lack of personal space that i pretty much needed, and a full load with classes led to multiple breakdowns and a slowly growing resentment towards the house. i had no place i could so much as have a conversation with my family without having 10 people behind me not only hearing my end of the conversation, but being bewildered when i had a crying fit. tough times. 
this term, i got used to not having space, or rather, i just find any excuse to not be in the house, with the comfort that soon i'll be back down south and out of a house of 60 girls who don't really know me. but this past month, my resentment of the house has really hit its breaking point. i don't care about any of the decisions made, i don't try to hang out with anyone in the house besides my two future roommates for next year, and i swear if one more person asks me why i eat the way i do (granola in the morning, turkey and apple in the afternoon, vegetables at night) i might scream. i have gotten the reputation as the girl who skypes all the time. well, ever thought why i skype so much? because i don't feel welcome in the house i'm in, i'd rather talk to someone else, because i don't feel judged every time i open my mouth. i don't like girls haha. i just got such a wake-up call when i found out how clique-y the house is, how exclusive each class is, and just how much like a high school locker room it all is. i do owe meeting two of my closest friends to the house, as well as meeting a handful of fun guys, but i wonder if maybe i have gotten all i can from the house, and maybe it's time for me to move on. i don't mean disrespect to any of the amazing women i have met, but i am just not the kind of girl who likes to have sorority life be My Life. i just don't feel like i fit in even the most diverse house... guess i'm just odd. 

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