Monday, April 25, 2011

why i'm even doing this

my whole life, i have looked down on people who have documented their every move, and feel the need to pretty much write a diary on the internet. but, there is some kind of validity about it all. having the thought that somehow, you're kind of sending a message in a bottle. just putting it out there, with no real intention of someone reading it, but the possibility that it could be known by someone else other than you. that's why we wrote notes in class, and doodled in our notebooks, because we like the thought of someone knowing what was on our mind. no i will not be advertising this on facebook (or rather, procrastinate/stalkbook) because this is all i want, to be sending a message in a bottle. 

a couple years ago, a friend told me something i will never be able to forget. she wasn't even truly my friend. more of someone i looked up to in high school, i thought she was the epitome of perfection. and one day we had one of those out-of-the-blue deep conversations, where i pretty much told her i wish i had the amount of drive as she did, and that it is no secret to anyone that she was going to get very far in life. she was destined for success. and then she told me something that just took my breath away. 
"The thing with you, Syd, is that you are probably one of the most loving people I have ever met. You may not be the nicest, I mean like those over-the-top bubbly girls that just make you wanna scream. But all you ever ask of people is to let you love them. You're going to have that one-of-a-kind marriage and family that everyone wishes they had. You were born to love." 
a lot of people would take that as a huge compliment. but at the time, i thought i was destined for adventure, a life of activism and labor of love to the earth. at this time i had come to grips that i may not even have a family. so i kind of took this as an insult. why should she be destined to leave a mark on society, and i'll just have a marriage and kids? not that that's a bad thing at all, but i was not willing to curb any dreams of mine. i wanted to save a forest, a species, wanted to live in Africa. 

but, even just a couple short years after, i know she was right. i am still determined to get to Africa and change even some small parts of the world, but the majority of my mindset is on love. and no, not thinking about my wedding day and all that shenanigans, but loving my family, my friends, and the world. i even have to bite my tongue with certain people (like the ones i am actually attracted to) because i want so badly to just tell them that i love them. i love them for who they are. i love them for their laugh, for their hugs, for being a fellow foodie, for going on adventures with me. i just, love. 

so here i am, joining the internet bandwagon, and sending out a message in a bottle, about figuring out my destiny, to love. 

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