Monday, April 25, 2011

the past is what made your present.

I loved him. There was no doubt in my mind that I loved him with all my heart and soul. I wanted it to be him in the end. Wanted him to hold my hand when I was scared, and to be the arms that protected me from harm. I wanted to fight with him, and hold him and be held by him for as long as I could, and then some. But I hated him as well. I hated how he left and how he didn’t show an inkling of wanting to stay together. I hated how I was never enough for him, how he always needed someone else’s approval. And it was always from the opposite sex. Why did he need so many other ways of seeking happiness? Drugs, risks, pain both physical and emotional. Why did he put himself through it all? Was it ever going to be enough for him? Would I have ever been enough for him?
I in no doubt gave him all that I had to give; I gave patience, understanding, advice, and a twenty-four hour cab service. But my all was not good enough. And it pains me to wonder; will my all ever be enough, for anyone? Will anyone actually ever want me to stop giving, and just take? Because so far, in the unlucky seventeen boyfriends in my life (and I’m not proud of that number), I have yet to find a single one. Well, that’s a blatant lie. There were two. Two who only wanted to make me feel like the most special person in the world, to spoil me and make me feel safe and to protect me from all harm. And those two know exactly who they are. But I did have the opportunity. 
But with that first love, I miss his voice, the color of his eyes, how my hands felt in his, how he would mouth the words of a song, wrestling with him, how he could make me laugh and smile without even trying, how he could cook, how he looked out for me, and how he could look into my eyes and make me feel like the only person in the world.

But there are things that I don’t miss about him at all. I don’t miss how selfish he was, how he would leave me night after night, how he would not detach from his phone. Most of those things that I don’t miss are merely because he has a lot of growing up to do. He told me himself that he is not ready to let go of being a boy, that he is not ready to be a man. He still wants to experience things like drugs and risks and lack of responsibility. And I know I can’t be with a guy who is less mature than a twelve year old, I’ll go insane if I go back to that. But then I think that maybe I don’t really want him back. I remember how miserable I was when we were together. He would lead me on a rollercoaster of feeling like the most loved person in the world, to someone who wasn’t worth a minute of his time. I loved him and hated him at the same time. I sacrificed my happiness for his nearly every day. And it killed me.

I think it’s time that this lesson that I am prone to learning time and time again, be put to rest. I have taken courses in this lesson for as long as I can remember I have always gotten the same result: being  shut out and left with nothing, absolutely nothing. And then I whine and complain that I’ll never find a good guy who will just take me for me and blah blah blah. Well there’s a reason for that. Because I’m so frightened of the ones that DO take me for exactly as I am, that I just go right back to what I know. How to handle jerks. I’m an excellent jerk handler. I can tame them for periods of time, can improve their grades, their overall health, even help repair damaged family ties. But ya know, being a jerk tamer is very dangerous business. Emotional scarring is a high risk factor and recovery time is staggering. So I think that after about 5 years of jerk taming, I’m ready to move onto another specialty. Like not being afraid anymore…? 

You know how you may search your entire lifetime for happy mediums? The balances in life? The balance between work and play. Exercise and food. Family and friends. The list goes on. And now, I think it may be possible for me to have found that happy medium. And I’m fucked. You make me wanna shit my pants sometimes. You scare the bajesus out of me. We met at work over the summer Now, we have been talking practically every day for the past two months. And he might actually be near the happy medium. Goes out a lot, usually out of boredom, not near addiction. Not a man-whore. Has very strong morals blah blah blah etc. I feel there isn’t much I need to or want to say about him, because I don’t want to defend him, he’s self-explanatory. I took a chance, was able to quiet my mind, and just enjoy for the first time in my life. The guy knows how to get to me and explain things so that I understand and can quit being a stubborn ass. We have great chemistry, I’ve honestly never had quite so much fun with someone like that. But things tend to be easy with him. And not because I know how to handle it from knowing how to handle what kind of person he is, it is just because we get along and know how to have fun with one another even just by doing nothing.  And nothing bad is going to happen, only good can come from this, whether it is a friendship that will mean more to me than most any other, because I see a trustworthy, loyal, friend in his eyes, even if there is no possibility of more, I don't really care. Either way, I am lucky to have met him. There really are just 3 simple rules in life.
  1. Be honest. To yourself, and everyone else.
  2. Relax, and enjoy.
  3. Exude love. 

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