growth

that wonderful moment when you can see someone's name whom you haven't spoken to in a very long time, and it most likely wasn't a good last conversation, and you realize you have absolutely nothing to say to them. you have no desire to win their approval anymore, nor spend your love on those who are just terrible out of touch with themselves. they were great friends, and they still could be. but i would rather lose them, than constantly feel i have to be a certain way for them, that's other than myself. 


kyle
zak
grant
vince


one day, you'll see someone the way i saw you, and then you'll understand that all i ever wanted was to be there for you. 

nightmares

had a terrible, awful nightmare last night. worst one i that has ever made me feel so bad after waking up. i dreamt that my older sister was dating the only guy i have loved, and non one ever said anything about it. they were sleeping in the same bed, and no one said anything about it. she was learning the little things about him that i already knew, and no one ever said a word about it. i woke up practically vomiting and shaking all over. i had never felt physically ill over a bad dream before. nor had a never been able to not go back to sleep. it made me sick. just the thought of it all. just reopened all these old wounds that i had thought, and i guess hoped, were long gone. i had to keep reminding myself of how utterly miserable he had made me. with the drinking and the drugs. and always asking me to drive him to and from parties where i didn't know a soul. leaving me waiting for his call night after night, sometimes not hearing from him for days on end because time would escape him as he was getting high all the time. the whole thing was just such a rollercoaster. whenever he would pay some mind to me, i would be on cloud nine and more in love than i ever thought i was capable of. then when he would get high or drunk with his buddies, i would feel dejected and forgotten. the lows were very low, but the highs were in fact higher than any others i had come across. hence the teenage puppy love. 


i could not sleep after that dream. i was just so physically shooken up about the whole thought process i didn't know what to do. my first instinct was to call him.. and say, something. probably pathetic sounding like, "i think i still love you, can we please at least just be friends? i think about you sometimes and now i had this dream and i just feel reminded of how much i was in love with you". terrible. so glad i did not do that. my second instinct was to text the guy who has recently been in my wandering thoughts. retracted that thought as well. afterall, it was 4:30 in the morning, and i did not need to sound pitiful or needy to someone who i am still trying to play "the game" with. a very tricky game i might add. no, instead i texted my best friend, who i knew would understand, and then my mom, for i know she would understand that dream as well. no way in hell my sister would. she is going to marry her one and only love. she just can't wrap her mind around most the things i go through with guys. 

i don't like nightmares... but i like these pictures :)

when you look at it for what it is..

a car is just a metal box with wheels to get you from place to place


a house is just a box to keep you out of the rain and cold


clothes are just to keep you warm


a body, is just a body. a vessel for who you are. (who are you? not what are you. no titles. who are you)

a body can be tall, short, wide, slight, stocky, spindly. you are not your body. just as i am not my body. you are not fat. and neither am i. oh you are fat? so that's all you are? just a pile of fat? what about your bones, are those fat? what about your hair? is that fat? or your smile or your eyes or your hugs. it is impossible to be fat. unless you are literally a tub of lard sitting in a kitchen at the local greasy spoon. pretty sure you're not, as tubs of lard can't read.. 


a body is just a body, it has almost nothing to do with who You are. except about how you decide to take care of your vessel. some may work very hard to take care of their bodies so that they can seem more attractive. you trying to hide behind your muscles? others, take care of their bodies so that they can live longer, and without pain or disease so that they can pursue the other aspects of life. i agree with the latter. 


if you're healthy, and take care of your vessel, your temple. no matter what that means for YOU personally. people will be attracted to your confidence and your lack of obsessing over every fad diet or that little pooch of a belly that i'm sorry girls, most of us need so we can have the babies. you're a hundred times more beautiful when you know you are, and don't look to others for that feeling. 

thought process

i am a virgin. 
i have had 17 boyfriends, and have kissed (or more) 34 boys. i am 19 years old, and i am a virgin. why? because every time that i have wanted to and gotten close, a little red flag has popped up in my mind, that something was just not right. it didn't feel all that right. i wanted to, but for some reason, i was never fully confident in making that decision. and in a sense, i am very glad i never brushed that red flag aside, because not much long later, i would be shown exactly why i did not feel comfortable. they moved, they only wanted sex, and then went other places for it, were not the people they said they were, or just merely forgot about me. and in that sense i am very grateful. however i must wonder, why is it such a big deal? no i am not one of those sad little girls who thinks that it will be perfect and with mister perfect, heck i don't really even believe in waiting until marriage (only because i was taught that it is a large part of a relationship, and i can't imagine pledging the rest of my life with someone without knowing what that other big chunk is like). 
i think it is more because i have many friends who did not share my beliefs and many a time i held them as they cried, wondering why he didn't love them or why it actually made them feel more empty. and don't get me started on the ones who got a pretty clingy and kinda crazy afterwards. i think, after seeing that, i couldn't stand the thought of me becoming one of them. doing something in hopes that it would convince a guy to want to be with me more than he already does, and that would just complete everything and everyone. and then, lo and behold, the exact opposite happens. i can't bear the thought of me being a crazy clingy girl, especially to a guy who isn't exactly planning on sticking around for a while. if anything, i would want to be in an actual relationship before that even comes up. and even then, i want to know in my heart that neither one of us is going anywhere for a while. basically, i'm just fishing for very rare security. 
as if that isn't hard enough to find in the world, now i'm looking for it in college. 


a common yogic belief is that the more emotionally unattached sex you have, the more free you are. basically seeking instant gratification from sex, rather than food. something i think many women would be willing to get behind. however, now i face this: i've waited this long, now i don't want to give it up on anything less i suppose. now it is something that is actually rare and somewhat special in my age group. considering my dating history especially. 


i know it is borderline inappropriate to discuss this on my blog, but, none of my friends or family know i have this. and facebook is SUCH a no-no.


but i want to. but i don't want to. then i want to. sometimes i just wish i could skip college so that i am no longer under my parent's wing, and just skip some of these milestones so i can free myself from this pointless inner battle. i know that i am as free as i will ever be already. but for some reason, i won't let myself be free on this matter. i won't let myself go. i keep judging myself on things that have happened, and many that haven't even. if there were someone who would not leave me, and would stick around with me for a little while right this moment, this whole argument would be solved by tomorrow. no joke. i'm growing impatient with my own morals. and i am not yet willing to free myself of them. and that is infuriating. 

just in such a loving mood these past few days

i remember those days when he would hold me close and i would feel like the most important person in the world. i loved him with all my heart and soul. 

 let me sleep here :)

 i love boy humor!

keep on movin

just got back to santa monica after a weeklong roadtrip with my best friend. from los angeles to santa cruz. day at the boardwalk, to swanton berry farm for the best pie in the world. then to lafayette to stay with my uncle and cousins. then a day in san francisco. pier 39, golden gate bridge, ghiradelli square, then to the mission for dinner. then the drive all the way home. so much fun hut i was definitely ready to go home. most likely going up to berkeley this week, then back down, then up to san luis obispo for camping with the pops. 

love